11:38 a.m.
/
08 July, 2004

There was a freak storm yesterday. Very bizarre, I stood on my chair and looked out my window at the poor sheep in the next field. I worry about them... I wonder if they find it hard to stand up when their wool is wet. All the lambs were huddling together against 70 mile an hour winds. Let's all cheer for English summertime.

My mother bought me a laptop yesterday... completely out of the blue. I feel bad. I hate presents. But I love it. My little brother and I pondered calling it Lucille the Lesbian Laptop, but settled on Betty Brody... not sure why.

Still have made no headway with the novel, which makes me sad, because if I'm just gonna piss around for the summer, I should really get a job. I've forgotten that all bank accounts don't have that little minus sign in front of the numbers. My brother pitched a fit about my receiving of an expensive present from Mommy Dearest, which made me feel even guiltier. So, I followed me mam around for the rest of the day saying, "Tell me I deserve it. Tell me I'm a good girl." I think I may now get more presents because she thinks I'm warped or traumatised in some way.

I've been thinking a lot about feelings and when I used to have them. I have no real relationship with anyone and it's a conscious decision. I don't want to need anyone, I don't want to have to let go of anyone again. I just don't think I have the necessary equipment to go through the whole game and emerge unscathed. And it is a game, I know that. But I comfort myself with the knowledge that, for a good three or four years, I had all that and more. I really did, and I was amazing. We were all so beautiful and powerful and content with each other. If I can't have that, I don't want anything... Damn, now I'm going to have that song in my head all day.

"If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby.." Everyone should have a song that reminds them of the time they got high on the school bus with their friends on the way home from seeing a musical in the West End.