8:29 p.m.
/
19 May, 2004

We were driving along in Canterbury today, the sun was pounding, we were broiling and I was feeling a little travel-sick to tell you the truth. Anyway, now that I've finished setting the scene... We drove past this incredibly buff black guy and Julia happened to mention that she had never slept with a black guy. Neither had Row. And I said that I had. I did not, however, admit that I couldn't remember his name, because they already think I'm a slut.

Anyway, it's a quiet summer afternoon, children are leaving school with their mummies and getting into their sports utility monster trucks, and Julia shouts out:

"OH MY GOD, JADE, YOU ARE A LESBIAN! YOU ARE SO SHIT!" Several small children look up, several mothers turn a little whiter and I just smile and wave like I'm royalty.

The thing is, I'm starting to get confused. What with everyone telling me that I have to be bisexual since I sometimes kiss and, far more rarely, sleep with boys. I've always said that I don't feel sexual feelings for boys, which is the truth, but I always seem to find myself in situations where that sort of thing doesn't matter. Sex is not a big deal to me, in my head, it's like a hug, or whatever, but it just gives greater pleasure. Am I fucked up?

I think it's partly that, from the age of three to the age of fifteen, I spent the entire time convincing everyone, including myself that I was straight. I kissed boys, I slept with boys until it meant even less than it did to begin with. I feel no disgust, I feel nothing. It's just something to do to make me feel a little less odd and alone.

In the same way, the first person I ever loved, with all my heart, was Ben, but I never even thought about kissing him. He didn't exist as a physical form, it was just him that I loved, not his body.

And with Rebekah, it was love and lust, a culmination of anything I'd always thought I was incapable of feeling. With her, sex meant something and I didn't feel as though I was pretending. It was only then that I really understood that I had been pretending.

Then, after her, girl or boy, I was just back to pretending again. Maybe I'm not bisexual, maybe I'm asexual. You know, I've just thought: maybe I'm fooling around with guys because I know there's no chance I will ever open myself up to be hurt in the way that Rebekah hurt me. That could be it.

Plus, I don't like there ever being prohibitions on what I can and cannot do. Hell, I don't know.