don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone?

12:07 a.m.
/
21 March, 2004

I'm home, I'm home, I'm home. Too many yays and too little time and space. I'm listening to Johnny Cash to try and bring me down in case I explode with joy. I really was homesick, you know. Really, really. I belong here, with my family. My family belong with me. That's it.

I took my mother out to buy her clothes for her holiday. Literally, I bought the clothes for her. I don't know how stuff like that happens...

My big little brother has broken up with his girlfriend, and I'm glad. I'm turning into one of those freaky types who mistrusts all women that date my male relatives. I hate feeling that way, so I'm hoping that I just mistrusted her in particular. Freaky Avril Lavigne lookalike.

I'm babysitting for the odd woman who keeps coming onto me. Her kid is asleep on the sofa. Cough medicine works wonders. So I've heard.

My friend Jamie, the sluttiest person in the world, in a good way, has fallen in love. With one of my favourite guys. It's very... neat and convenient actually. My two bestest gay guy friends are in love with each other. Not just sleeping together, but in actual freakin' love!

Cliff, the other guy, is cool. We were wandering around Canterbury Cathedral in the middle of the night once- apparently students are allowed to do that?!- anyway, we decided the cathedral is really only made out of lego and it's all a sham. Embarrassed myself by admitting I had little lego men in my room. For decoration.

He was the only one in LGB who didn't treat me like a nut, cos I wasn't into the right music, films, or whatever. I think the only place I've ever been overtly judged has been in a so-called 'accepting place, free of judgement'. Was sort of 'straight-bashed' at one point, because I'd happened to kiss a couple of guys one night at a club. It actually really upset me, because they made me feel weird and fake and as though I'd lied about something. Makes me so mad.

Mother's Day tomorrow. I bought my mum the best card. I cried when I read it. Although, I guess I should admit that I spent about half an hour standing by the card display, welling up over a bunch of them. It's weird, because Father's Day is nothing to me. That's just an obligation, go out and grab the first card and present and stuff. I feel like a liar every time I do it, because I don't think of my dad as anything but a sperm donor. I love him, but it's not a choice. Logically, I dislike him, I'm disappointed in him and he revolts me, but emotionally, he's my dad and I would do anything for him. No wonder I'm so messed up.

My mum, on the other hand, is the reason I'm alive. Particularly these last few years. Whenever I try and talk about everything she's done for me, it comes out cliched and meaningless, but she's always made me feel safe and strong. And, when she looks at me, I just know that she really sees me, I don't have to put on a front for her. And she makes a real effort to understand me, even though we're so different. She's never given up on me, despite the fact that even I have on some occasions. I love her because, when I came out to her, the first thing she said was, 'Are you okay, do you want to talk about it?' Well, after: "Yeah, I've already known for a really long time."

I love her because, when I took an overdose the last time (nearly 3 years ago now), she forced me to go the doctor and practically made me get better.

I love her, because when she last fought with my stepfather, she told him that I was the most important person in her life (and my brothers, of course).

I love her: because she understands that I need someone to accept me, eccentricities and all. Because she makes me my favourite food, because she gave me my brothers, because she left my father and the evilest stepfather no. 1. Because she laughs at me. Because she cuts my hair for me (I hate hairdressers) Because she tells me if she sees anything I might like. Because, when I worry, she tells me that it could be worse and that everything is just one insignificant detail. Because, when I was little, all my friends thought I had the coolest mum and always wanted to come to mine for tea. Because, she's also annoying, overly compliant, passive-aggressive, intellectually snobby, has horrible taste in clothing and jewellery, and she doesn't get (too) upset when I tell her all these things. And she sees the funny side when my brothers and I call her 'Mommie Dearest' in public.

Of course, I think I'm a damn fine daughter too though, so it all evens out.


	Dribble
	12:07 a.m. / 21 March, 2004 I'm home, I'm home, I'm home. Too many yays and too little time and space. I'm listening to Johnny Cash to try and bring me down in case I explode with joy. I really was homesick, you know. Really, really. I belong here, with my family. My family belong with me. That's it. I took my mother out to buy her clothes for her holiday. Literally, I bought the clothes for her. I don't know how stuff like that happens... My big little brother has broken up with his girlfriend, and I'm glad. I'm turning into one of those freaky types who mistrusts all women that date my male relatives. I hate feeling that way, so I'm hoping that I just mistrusted her in particular. Freaky Avril Lavigne lookalike. I'm babysitting for the odd woman who keeps coming onto me. Her kid is asleep on the sofa. Cough medicine works wonders. So I've heard. My friend Jamie, the sluttiest person in the world, in a good way, has fallen in love. With one of my favourite guys. It's very... neat and convenient actually. My two bestest gay guy friends are in love with each other. Not just sleeping together, but in actual freakin' love! Cliff, the other guy, is cool. We were wandering around Canterbury Cathedral in the middle of the night once- apparently students are allowed to do that?!- anyway, we decided the cathedral is really only made out of lego and it's all a sham. Embarrassed myself by admitting I had little lego men in my room. For decoration. He was the only one in LGB who didn't treat me like a nut, cos I wasn't into the right music, films, or whatever. I think the only place I've ever been overtly judged has been in a so-called 'accepting place, free of judgement'. Was sort of 'straight-bashed' at one point, because I'd happened to kiss a couple of guys one night at a club. It actually really upset me, because they made me feel weird and fake and as though I'd lied about something. Makes me so mad. Mother's Day tomorrow. I bought my mum the best card. I cried when I read it. Although, I guess I should admit that I spent about half an hour standing by the card display, welling up over a bunch of them. It's weird, because Father's Day is nothing to me. That's just an obligation, go out and grab the first card and present and stuff. I feel like a liar every time I do it, because I don't think of my dad as anything but a sperm donor. I love him, but it's not a choice. Logically, I dislike him, I'm disappointed in him and he revolts me, but emotionally, he's my dad and I would do anything for him. No wonder I'm so messed up. My mum, on the other hand, is the reason I'm alive. Particularly these last few years. Whenever I try and talk about everything she's done for me, it comes out cliched and meaningless, but she's always made me feel safe and strong. And, when she looks at me, I just know that she really sees me, I don't have to put on a front for her. And she makes a real effort to understand me, even though we're so different. She's never given up on me, despite the fact that even I have on some occasions. I love her because, when I came out to her, the first thing she said was, 'Are you okay, do you want to talk about it?' Well, after: "Yeah, I've already known for a really long time." I love her because, when I took an overdose the last time (nearly 3 years ago now), she forced me to go the doctor and practically made me get better. I love her, because when she last fought with my stepfather, she told him that I was the most important person in her life (and my brothers, of course). I love her: because she understands that I need someone to accept me, eccentricities and all. Because she makes me my favourite food, because she gave me my brothers, because she left my father and the evilest stepfather no. 1. Because she laughs at me. Because she cuts my hair for me (I hate hairdressers) Because she tells me if she sees anything I might like. Because, when I worry, she tells me that it could be worse and that everything is just one insignificant detail. Because, when I was little, all my friends thought I had the coolest mum and always wanted to come to mine for tea. Because, she's also annoying, overly compliant, passive-aggressive, intellectually snobby, has horrible taste in clothing and jewellery, and she doesn't get (too) upset when I tell her all these things. And she sees the funny side when my brothers and I call her 'Mommie Dearest' in public. Of course, I think I'm a damn fine daughter too though, so it all evens out. prev > next > fresh > rotted > profile > fans > rings > notes > email > design > host >