1:23 p.m.
/
02 March, 2004

It has come to my attention that I was born an existentialist. I mean, I sort of knew I agreed with a great deal of the ideas, but I've just realised that I never came about advocating it, to me it was just the way I saw life.

In particular, I used to, and still do, become sooooo frustrated with human beings who see themselves as constrained by so many abstract, imaginary rules and restrictions, not realising that all that they know was composed by another just like them, and that you do not necessarily have to accept it. I truly do believe that life is about the experience, about what you can make yourself feel, and if you just accept huge chunks of someone else's doctrine,constructed from their own experience, then you've barely even opened your eyes let alone lived.

I have the scars to prove that I decided to test out Newton's Theory of Gravity before I decided to accept it for now. Actually, I did test out a lot of physics laws before I conceded to endure them...

I am also, as it's probably pretty obvious, an Atheist. That doesn't mean that I'm miserable and awash on a sea of hopelessness. If anything, I feel powerful and kind of happy with the world. The idea of a man living in the clouds used to give me nightmares. And I still go to church sometimes, I love the architecture, the windows, the peace and serenity in the faces of those around me.

Life still has value, just because it doesn't follow a set pattern, or prescription. I'm not going to express emotion I don't feel, say things I don't mean and not say things that I do feel, just because it doesn't fit into what is deemed appropriate. Even if it means I get called heartless, or detached or soulless.

Today I feel sort of validated, like maybe I'm not such a freak after all. After all these years of being told that there was something wrong with me because I just couldn't cope within so-called 'normal life'. Like Camus said, it takes a huge amount of effort to be normal. So, I'm not a freak, I'm just lazy.