1:51 p.m.
/
25 January, 2004

So, it's back to the 12th level of hell today, or Canterbury for those in the know. I had the most brilliant idea for a story, but it will be a personal thing for me to cherish always.

I love people who are good at what they do. I mean fantastically good and quietly confident about it, you know? I don't care who it is, man or woman, I'm in love with everyone I can respect. Which is why, at the moment, I'm in love with no-one.

I'm having an incredibly bad year so far. I mean, everything that happens is so amazingly awful. But the cool thing is, I'm coping and I'm kind of thriving on it. I'm happy because I know that I can withstand it and I'm learning things about myself.

Sometimes I get freaked out when I compare myself to other people. I forget my own mind, I forget all the things I said to other people about not trying to conform to imaginary standards. I don't want to be pretty if pretty means to look like people who are conventionally pretty. I don't find them pretty myself, for god's sake.

I don't want to be popular if it means saying the sort of crap that it takes to be popular. I don't like to be rude and insensitive, or to hide what I'm thinking or feeling. If someone talks shite, I'm gonna tell them. If I think someone is cool, I'm going to tell them.

I keep forgetting all this and wondering what's wrong with me, but the point is that I'm everything I want to be and I'm not going to change. I don't want to, I just want everyone else to :-) Or maybe I just want there to be a law, whereby everyone has to think before they say anything. That would stop my brain being pollutions by moronic words and ideas.

I hate my lecturer who looks like Shrek. And I told him so. He talks rubbish and his ideas are one-sided. He qualifies everything he says as, "That's just true, it's a fact. Everyone accepts that." So I put up my hand and say that I don't. I want evidence, I want another opinion... I don't think he likes me very much either. Which is cool.