12:02 p.m.
/
13 January, 2004

I'm not right... not right at all. I have a feeling my head is going to explode and I actually quite like the idea of it. Am I losing it?

Okay, I went home for me mammy's birthday on the 8th, lugged my bag (I always overpack) home and forgot to lock my phone before I threw it in with the rest of the junk. Anyway, somehow, it rang Rebekah, who is in the centre of my phone book. I have no idea how it happened, but I apparently hounded her until I checked it when I was on the train. She texted me, for the first time in a year and did she have a go at me, did she accuse me of stalking her, did she say any of these things, which she had every right to say? No, she asked if I was all right and told me that she missed me. She. Missed. Me.

What a bitch!!!! I wish she'd just said that I was an obsessive freak for hassling her. That would have hurt, but been better than this. Now she's in my brain and she won't leave. And I'm stuck back being a lovestruck teenybopper, just fantasising that one day she's going to call and take me up on my offer.

You see, when I was just a little girl, in love for the first (and only) time, I said that if she came down to stay, I would take care of her. I would do everything and all she would have to do was be here. I'd like to say that I've got a little bit wiser and that I've taken it back, but I know I'd still react the same.

So, I promised to write to her, but I've tried and how do you say all you want to say to someone you haven't spoken to in over a year? How do you talk to someone you have degraded yourself for, cried for, almost died for?

Anyway, I'm supposed to be in a lecture right now; well, actually it ended 18 minutes ago, but I didn't go. I have so much work this term, everything is getting so intense and important and all I can think about is how to phrase a letter to a girl who not only broke my heart, but continues to do so every year or so. How do I tell her that I can never contact her again, without losing contact with her?

God, I'm becoming one of those whiney people that I always roll my eyes at.

Laura is not replying to my texts anymore. She's been acting really weird since New Year. I knew that I wouldn't be able to make us just friends. I knew it. That is it, I'm never going out with a girl I like ever again. Only evil, horrible, boring people with outstanding beauty :-)

I really haven't got that many friends to throw around. As it is, I'm scraping the barrel now. I'm hoping that once school starts up properly (and I begin actually going to lectures) I'll start getting back into it and can build up some kind of rapport with all my acquaintances. Why is it that I can write an A grade essay in a few hours, but I can't work out how to make a friend? Blergh, at the adolescent angst of me. I feel as though I'm in an episode of 'My So-called Life'.