6:38 p.m.
/
14 December, 2003

I be home for Christmas now, my little monkeys. Which, actually, I'm not all that happy about, since I'm really enjoying uni life now. Except on Wednesday, when I threatened to leave and go home and Laura had to talk me out of it. Ya know how it is.

Went to Girls And boYs last night, got very drunk and ended up kissing Laura... repeatedly. I feel pretty bad about it, because I get sort of... detached about the whole thing. It started off, I sort of wondered if she liked me, then I thought I would see if my flirting skills were rusty and then... I realised they weren't.

Luckily, I was sober enough to stick to my newly implemented rule: No more sleeping with people on the first night. I really like Laura, she's lovely and funny and we really get on, I think. But, the big problem is that I'm not attracted to her physically. I don't think I am, anyway. I keep telling myself that maybe I'll grow to be attracted to her, or that it doesn't really matter. After all, I went out with boys for four years and never felt attracted to any of them.

I guess part of it is that I want a relationship. I really want to see what it feels like to go out with someone, to love someone, you know, who doesn't run off with a middle-aged man when they decide they want to settle down and have children.

Not that I'm assuming that Laura wants any of this. She knows what a commitmentphobe I am, how I'm not exactly ideal girlfriend material.

The worse part is that Nat, my flatmate (who I fancy the pants off, by the way)sort of knows I'm at least bi. At least, I think she does. Anyway, we were talking about last night and she asked if I got with anyone, and I did the coy little smile. And she asked, 'what was he like?' And then she added, 'Was it a he?' And I fucking nodded! I'm such a fucking coward!!!!!!

I'm out to everyone in the world, except my flatmates. Everyone says I should tell them, but I'm chicken. Usually, it doesn't matter what other people think, you know. Even with my parents, it wouldn't have mattered too much if they'd had a problem with it, but it could get me evicted now, and I really love it there too much to risk it. I'm a coward.