6:26 p.m.
/
13 November, 2003

The collar-thing of my lovely tinkerbell top is touching my neck... I hate that.

Oh, yes, you come here for my insightful comments about life, don't you. Dodgy collars on pink Tinkerbell shirts.

I'm still at uni, my dear, evil readers. I've been here for... 10 hours already and still no sign of leaving. I have to stay on to wait for LGB to start. I'm not going to stay late though, because two hour train journeys with junkies, drunks and general twats are not as fun as they used to be.

I also have a headache. What fun this update is turning out to be!

I was actually having a bad day yesterday. Not bad as in, whoops, bad stuff has happened, but bad as in, the black stuff that poisons my brain from time to time was seeping into my head. I thought I was going to go mad again for a second, but I fought against it. I forced myself to think and plan and I think I will be proud of me, once I stop feeling so tired.

I had a revelatory moment last night. Standing there, staring at the veins in my wrist. I have problems with wrists... and necks and all other gross parts. Anyway, I forced myself to look at the little blue lines, tiny little things that can decide whether I live or die. Freaky.

But that wasn't the revelation, silly. No, the revelation was that my life has no value. I mean, I perceive it as having no value. I know I'm an existentialist and all, but it just felt so empty and pointless last night, and other nights.

I do have days when I'm just so tired, I think, let's jack it in tonight. As if it's a day of school I can miss or some stupid appointment I can skip. That's the level I have life at. Didn't in the end though, because I couldn't be arsed to actually DO anything. Sleep was just the same as dying, without all the planning and the possibility that it wouldn't work, and the making of a mess all over the floor for my mum to clean up. Sleep was cool, and it happened faster too.

I feel kind of an idiot for admitting that, probably sound like one too. I can't help that it's the truth. I'm also absolutely not saying that I'm depressed. I know depressed, and this is not it. Just boredom, bored with life.

It's like eating the same meal every single day. The first day, it's new and different and you really appreciate the flavour, but then it starts to taste less and less of anything at all, until eating is something you force yourself to do because it just bores the hell out of you and you don't seem to get anything out of it. Ever had that? Maybe I'm the only one who does that, eat the same meal for weeks on end, I mean. At the moment, it's carrot cake. Still tastes pretty damn good at the minute though. Maybe that gives my life value, I don't know.

My little brother, the light of my life, my honorary child, blah blah, actually said to me last night, "What's wrong? You look like you feel sad." And it wasn't until he asked that I thought, 'Hey, he's right.'

Haven't ruled out the possibility that he's into witchcraft or voodoo or something. Though he is an absolute 'jesusfreak. Odd, really, since we're not a religious family. I kind of admire it, really. I think maybe I used to be too, once upon a time. When I also thought that thunderstorms were caused by this enormous giant in the sky turning on his tap, because the earth was actually sitting in a huge stainless steel sink. My mum's influence, don't blame me, I was just a gullible child.